The Mad Gambler

Has The NFC Caught Up With The NFC?

2007-11-16T08:42:00.001-08:00

The short answer is no.. not quite. The New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts are clearly superior to any other team in either conference. However, given the drop off of teams like the Steelers, Chargers, Broncos, Bengals and, yes folks, the Ravens, there is now a parity between the two conferences that has not been there for a number of years.

Right now there are six or seven teams in the NFC who can compete with any of the "second-tier" AFC teams. The NFC East may be the strongest division in all of football again. As an unapologetic Giants fan I know I'll catch some grief from this but the New York Giants are playing better football right now than any of the above mentioned AFC teams. Like the Colts and Patriots, they're not just beating teams, they're demoralizing them. The Cowboys can play with anyone and the Eagles and Redskins show signs of emergence as well.

In the NFC Central, the Green Bay Packers have a defense that I'd stack up against most AFC opponents and Favre is having his best season since '03. And let's not discount the Bears completely either. Quarterback issues aside, the Bears have struggled with as many injuries as the Ravens and still appear to have enough talent, certainly defensively, to play tight games against the Jaguars, Chargers and Steelers while being more than capable of beating the Broncos, Bengals or Ravens.

The NFC WEST has been a major disappointment thus far. Injuries to the Cardinals, 49ers and St. Louis have made them mostly non-factors. However the Cardinals already beat the Steelers once and came very close against the Ravens.

Obviously, what I suggest can only be proven through direct competition and over the next few weeks there are a few key inter-conference matchups that will either support or refute my belief. Here's four to watch:

Week 12

Denver at Chicago- Look for the Bears to have a healthier team, a quarterback who's more in synch and a rather effortless home win against the Broncos.

Week 15

Detroit at San Diego- A year ago this would've been a laugher but the Lions are young, improving and may even be in a Wild Card fight. Will they win this game? Not a chance. But you'll see some things you might not have expected.

Week 16

Baltimore at Seattle- Hard to gauge a game this late in the season. Will either team be playing for anything meaningful? If they are, and the Ravens will probably REALLY need this game, it's going to be a sad day for team Purple. Seattle's better at home.

Week 17

New England at New York Giants- Super Bowl preview? Probably not. I don't think the Giants are ready to make it that far. They'll stumble somewhere. But if this game has any playoff implication at all, or if the Pats decide to go for 16-0, watch New York give the Patriots the best fight they've had this side of Indianapolis.

Thoughts? Comments? Am I nuts? Let's hear what you have to say!

Technorati Tags: free picks, AFC, Gambling
NFC, NFL, football

Annoying Things About The NFL

2007-09-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, of course we all love the NFL. But below are a few things that bother and annoy us about America's real favorite past-time.

Over-Dressed Cheerleaders- We don't like when cold weather forces cheerleaders to wear heavy clothing. If you're not showing cleavage we don't need you. Stay home.

The "D" and the Fence Thing- The first person who thought of holding up the letter D and a cardboard fence was a genius. But we get it now. Ban it!

Prancing After Tackles- Don't like when players dance after they perform the most rudimentary part of their job. You're SUPPOSED to tackle people. Stop dancing.

Praying with the Other Team- If you feel the need to thank the Lord for helping you catch a ball, fine. But no more praying with the other team. You're supposed to wish bad things on them. Leave it there.

Bryant Gumbel- Should be self-explanatory. If not, we suggest you watch five minutes of an NFL Network broadcast.

Tailgating- Al picked this one but I see his point. Why do we consider it fun to eat food next to our cars?

Painted Fans- There is simply no reason to ever paint yourself purple, blue or any other color. You look stupid.

Camera Shots of Owners- We really don't ever need to see or hear the owner of a football team. When they show the guy up in his sky box with his third trophy wife we want to shoot him.

Turducken- We get it John. It's a thing inside a thing inside a thing. Please find something new for next Thanksgiving.

Manning's Pointing- We're extremely tired of watching Peyton Manning point everywhere like he's directing traffic before the snap. What the hell is he really accomplishing anyway? Oh, right a Super Bowl.

All Field Goal Kickers- We respect the fact that they kick footballs very well but can we agree to never interview one or even acknowledge him as part of the team? The kicker should have to wear a different uniform.

Special Teams Coaches- Please, how hard is THAT job? Couldn't you just get the linebackers coach to take on a little extra responsibility?

The Pro Bowl- If you don't know why this stinks, you must not watch football.

Commentators Who Try to be Funny- Personally I've never laughed at anything said by a sports commentator. Well, except for Don Meredith. He was funny.

Technorati Tags: free picks, John Madden, Gambling
comedy, college football, football

Enough With the Fantasy Already... Time to BET!

2007-09-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

We all love fantasy football. I get it. But here's what I REALLY love- hitting a 5 team parlay on Saturday and a 3 team "if and reverse" on Sunday. Pretty much never happens. Call it my fantasy if you want to, whatever. Starting tomorrow morning on our show, betting on football is going to be a MUCH BIGGER part of the conversation.

Does betting talk scare you? Let's deal with the facts. 30 million Americans gamble online. According to www.americangaming.org

http://www.americangaming.org/Industry/factsheets/issues_detail.cfv?id=16

around 8 billion dollars was bet on last year's Super Bowl. Whether it's a fifty dollar office pool, or a guy dropping two dimes on the Thursday Night ESPN2 game between Toledo and Eastern Michigan, wagering is ingrained in our conscience. Of course, ALWAYS BE RESPONSIBLE!

Here are the FIVE CARDINAL RULES OF GAMBLING.

1) NEVER BET WITH MONEY YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE- establish a bankroll and if you get wiped out, retire for the season. The way to avoid that happening is to only bet 10% of your bankroll on any given game.

2) NEVER CHASE YOUR MONEY- If you lose with the one o'clock and the four o'clock games, don't try to get it all back with the NBC Sunday Night game. It's easy to convince yourself that the Ravens are " a lock" against the Bengals- doesn't mean they are. And that speaks to another cardinal rule...

3) DON'T BE A "HOMER"- I know you love the Ravens. Good. Paint your dog purple if you want to. Hang Ray Lewis' poster in your john. But don't bet on the Ravens just because you're a fan. You probably know this one but it's an easy mistake to make. When in doubt, lay off the game. Or, think of it this way- if the information suggests you should bet against the Ravens, do it because either way you come out a winner, right? But never bet heavy against your favorite team because if you lose, believe me, you'll go from being a rabid fan to praying your team contracts rabies with one fumble.

4) DON'T GET GREEDY- You made a nice score. You had Nevada-Reno over Nebraska +22.5 against the spread and you bet them to win straight up on the money line. You've been dancing all afternoon. Now what? Do nothing. Bet your normal bets. Don't step up heavy just because you're up. Bookies love that. They know that the more you play the more likely you are to lose. Sometimes it's best to walk away from the table.

5) DON'T BE INFLUENCED BY THE LAST THING YOU READ OR HEARD- Again, it's easy to do. Your bartender tells you he "loves the Packers." Chris Berman says on ESPN that "the Jaguars should roll over Houston." Your Aunt Maggie pulls you aside and said she had a dream that Ohio State covers by six touchdowns. Leave it all alone! Do your homework. Get the right information and then make the smartest play possible. Try to stay objective. I'll post another blog about "subconscious biases" and the role they play in wagering but, for now, bet for THE RIGHT REASONS!

Technorati Tags: free picks, notre dame, Gambling
comedy, college football, football

10 College Football Predictions You Should Know About...

2007-08-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Preseason, shmeeseason... college football STARTS TONIGHT! It counts folks. Granted there's not much in the way of marquee matchups tonight but LSU-MIss St. could be interesting for the first half before the Tigers realize they're in the hunt for a national championship and put a whooping on Mississippi State. On Saturday, of course, you've got Notre Dame vs. Georgia Tech plus a game you won't want to miss- California vs. Tennessee. Finally, the wait is over!

Here's some predictions for the upcoming college football season:

10) Michigan quarterback Chad Henne will reveal that he was actually cloned in a laboratory using DNA from every other Wolverines quarterback since Elvis Grbac.

9) Boise State and the phrase "last season's Cinderella story" will be heard in the same sentence so many times it will actually cause a riff in the space-time continuum sucking Lee Corso into another dimension.

8) Watching the Wisconsin Badgers play will be FDA-approved as a way to combat sleeplessness.

7) Don Imus will make the mistake of calling the Rutgers football team "a bunch of nappy-headed 'hos" and be beaten to death.

6) In an exclusive interview, 80 year old Joe Paterno will admit that, even after 42 years, he's never really liked football and is "...only in it for the dough."

5) University of Texas' coach Mack Brown's hair will "kinda sorta move."

4) Ohio State will become so frustrated they'll try to reinstate Maurice Clarett.

3) USC quarterback and Heisman trophy candidate, John David Booty, will have a mid-season meltdown when he realizes that no matter how many yards he throws for he'll never get the quality "tail" that Matt Leinart gets.

2) Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis will become so aggravated by his team's ineptitude he'll convert to Judaism.

1) Terps coach Ralph Friedgen will lose his chance to do a Nutri-System commercial after he tries to eat Dan Marino.

Technorati Tags: free picks, notre dame, Gambling
comedy, college football, football

Marc's Early NFL Musings

2007-08-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

As we move towards the start of the NFL season I thought I'd enlighten all of you with some early predictions. Here's a few items you can mark down as fact- until I'm proven to be COMPLETELY wrong.

- Daunte Culpepper will be a serious candidate for "Comeback Player of the Year."

- The New Orleans Saints will NOT be as good as they were last year.

- The Green Bay Packers will make the playoffs.

- QB David Carr will take the starting job away from Jake Delhomme in Carolina.

- The Ravens will make the playoffs but exit early. Sorry folks.

- Because of Bryant Gumbel, I will NEVER watch an NFL network game with the volume up.

- The Texans' DE Mario Williams will show everyone why he was chosen #1 overall in '06. Houston will be a VERY dangerous team to play.

- In Chicago Rex Grossman OUT, Brian Griese IN.

- RB Frank Gore will let down Fantasy Football owners who foolishly think he'll put up last year's numbers.

- Randy Moss WON'T be totally content in New England either.

Thoughts? Comments? email me at marc@madwinners.com

Technorati Tags: free picks, fantasy football, Gambling
comedy, baseball, football

My Brilliant Fantasy Football Drafting Strategy

2007-08-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

To me, fantasy drafts are not the most exciting events in the world. A
football fantasy draft is a lot like sitting in a laundry mat watching
your clothes dry. BORING!

The first three or four rounds are almost a foregone conclusion.
There's so much information out there about who to draft and when to draft
them that's it's pretty much a "by the book" procedure. Like observing
traffic court.

Unless, of course, you're me and you take the Packers defense with your
ninth pick. The Packers DEFENSE? WHAT? I must've read about them
somewhere or I was tired or drunk or all of the above. I also took the
Cowboys tight end Jason Witten a bit earlier than maybe I should've.
Guys kept yelling out "Leonard Pope! Take Leonard Pope!" I didn't
listen. I can only pray that Pope breaks an ankle.

Which brings up another problem with fantasy sports...

It teaches us to hate our fellow man. I've got a guy in the Madwinners
Fantasy Baseball league who not only makes insulting trade offers, he
pilfered Chone Figgins when I made the mistake of placing him on
waivers because he was batting .121 at the time. Figgins is now batting ,342
and I ask the Lord every day if he can find it within himself to give
Figgins a severe muscle tear and his idiot owner a painful skin rash.

Anyway, here's who I drafted and my highly scientific reasons for doing
so...

1. Brian Westbrook (10)- Being a fan of the New York Giants means
hating the Eagles. I figure by drafting Westbrook with my first pick he's a
lock to break a leg. That helps the Jints.

2. Torry Holt (23)- Seems like a friendly guy and I had him last year.

3. Donald Driver (42)- By this time the only starting running backs
left were Ahman Green and Jamal Lewis. Besides, every time I see his name
I think of Donald Duck.

4. Deion Branch (55)- Was thinking of Cliff Branch. Oops.

5. Eli Manning (74)- If I didn't draft a Giant my brother would get
pissed at me and Shockey and Burress were already gone.

6. LenDale White (87)- I like to draft fat running backs three rounds
before the experts at ESPN say you're supposed to.

7. Jason Witten (106)- I looked at the cheat sheet of someone sitting
near me.

8. Alex Smith (119)- Thought I got lucky and WR Steve Smith was
overlooked.

9. Green Bay "D" (138)- I'm mentally challenged.

10. Najeh Davenport (151)- I headlined a comedy gig in Davenport, Iowa.

11. Sinorice Moss (170)- I figured he probably inherited his brother
Randy's skills. Then I remembered he's Santana's brother.

12. Stephen Gostkowski (183)- Couldn't tell ya.

13. Eric Moulds (202)- Tommy Fungus was already taken.

14. Chris Baker (215)- Don't know. Not even sure what position he
plays or what team he's on.

15. Kevin Faulk (234)- Thought he was great as Columbo.

16. Giants "D"- (247)- A voice told me that Lawrence Taylor was making
a comeback.

Technorati Tags: free picks, fantasy football, Gambling
comedy, baseball, football

Bonds Tied It And I Missed It

2007-08-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

I missed it. After all of the talk and all of the anticipation I missed Bonds' tying home run. I heard it was a monster shot. That's okay I guess. I didn't see Aaron tie the record either. However I did see him break it and I'll be watching every at bat, I don't care where I am or what I'm doing, until Bonds breaks the record. Do yourselves a favor, seriously, make it a point to be near a television for this historic event. I know a lot of you are angry about the steroids. Others despise Bonds for being a surly jerk at times. I promise you though, you're going to kick yourself if you miss a moment that may never come again.

Sure, Alex Rodriguez could take it away from Bonds and probably will. But this is YOUR moment as baseball fans to witness something truly spectacular. When the camera bulbs flash and the game is stopped, all the drama, all the emotion will be released. And then the questions will begin:

Will Selig bother to clap this time? Last night, after Bonds tied the record, "Bonehead" Bud stood up and, rather than applaud the event, shoved his hands inside his front pockets. I don't know. Maybe that's how Selig always celebrates. I knew a kid in junior high school who stuck his hand inside his pants a lot and always seemed to smile about it. What the hell was Selig doing? If he wasn't going to acknowlege the event, why the hell would he bother showing up at all? Personally, the guy creeps me out. I'm not kidding. He frightens me. He looks like a James Bond villain.

Other questions to be answered after Bonds hits #756- how long will the game be stopped? Will it be uncomfortable for Bonds when he speaks? Will he lose his composure? How bad will the boos be? What will the announcers say to help frame the event?

Finally, did any of you catch the irony surrounding Clay Hensley, the Padres starter who threw the home run pitch? Ready? He once served a minor league suspension for...

STEROID USE.

Technorati Tags: free picks, Barry Bonds, Gambling
comedy, baseball, football

Did Tim Donaghy Ruin it For All Gamblers? PLUS Selig Loves Bonds and Lindsay Lohan's a Maniac

2007-07-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

The NBA scandal involving referee Tim Donaghy offers a potential scenario that frightens me...

Consider Republican senators Buford Polyester and Earl Helmet-head, two Far Right guys bought and paid for by the Christian Coalition. These two "clowns for Jesus" stand up on the floor of the Senate and decry the proliferation of gambling and its inevitable association with organized crime. The referee will be portrayed as a "lost soul" who merely got caught up in this "wicked vice" as the two Senators then use this singular instance to not only call for even tougher restrictions on gambling but also enforcement of archaic laws to imprison anyone who might want to lay down a little action either with a local bookie or an offshore casino.

Do we really want this? No. Roughly 30 million people gamble in this country- legally or otherwise. Gambling is a part of human nature. Period. It probably started with our primitive ancestors who bet on things like who would bag the biggest saber-toothed tiger or who could be the first to invent fire.

The point is, gambling isn't going anywhere, folks. Hopefully, what this bonehead Tim Donaghy's actions will really show is that, by failing to regulate sports betting, guys like Tim tend to find themselves falling through the cracks or propriety and right into the arms of organized crime. Legalize it nationwide, tax it, and then educate people about gambling addiction and there'll be no more Gambino family involved in the NBA. Make sense?

It does to me. But I doubt they'll agree on Capitol Hill.

***********************************************************************

SELIG WILL BE THERE FOR BONDS

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/7056214

Personally, I wouldn't want Bud Selig following me around anywhere. The guy looks creepy. Like one of those weirdos in the Midwest who "seemed like a nice enough guy" until he's found in a school yard with a rain coat, duct tape and a rag filled with chloroform.

Still, I'm glad Bonds is getting some recognition.

***********************************************************************
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Steroids in golf?... Steroids in GOLF? Steroids in GOOOOLFFFF?

http://msn.foxsports.com/golf/story/7051452?CMP=OTC-K9B140813162&ATT=220

You can write the rest yourself.

***********************************************************************

LINDSAY LOHAN BUSTED AGAIN

It's only a matter of time before I'm dating this chick. Sure she's a little young but she is right up my DYSFUNCTIONAL ALLEY.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070724/en_afp/entertainmentusfilm_070724202513

Anybody have her on their death pool yet? Hope not.

Technorati Tags: free picks, Barry Bonds, Gambling
comedy, baseball, Tim Donaghy

Marijuana Use As It Relates to Reality

2007-07-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

"Pot", "Chronic", "Spleef", "Doobage", "Grass". "Ganja", "Maryjane" (if you're really old school), "Weed", call it whatever you want, it's as much a part of the NFL as shoulder pads and touchdown celebrations.

That's the reality. It's also a HUGE part of our culture and it has been for a long time. Personally, I'm not big on it anymore. I used to be. Hell, in high school I could do massive bong hits for breakfast and still be able to ace an exam, play dodgeball, work at the car wash after school and finish a term paper at night. But I'm older now and my body doesn't handle it as well. Plus, improvements in marijuana cultivation technology are such that if I take half a hit from a joint I'm melting into the sofa convinced I've travelled great distances from Planet Zeeblefloox in the 8th dimension.

Now, of course, the question is- would the NFL suffer if it removed restrictions on pot usage? For some the answer is an unequivocable yes. Fair enough. According to one argument, pot is illegal in every state in the union and therefore, if the NFL, wasn't in line with the law, it would cause a public relations nightmare. Good argument with one teeny, weeny problem- it's WRONG! Mostly.

http://www.norml.org/index.cfm?Group_ID=4516

Above is a link to a site where you can read the specifics of the marijuana laws in each state. I counted 12 states where the possession of small amounts of marijuana- 1 oz. or less- results in NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. Granted that's a pretty small amount but still plenty enough for a good time at a Pink Floyd concert or a late night showing of "Airplane". In other words, it's not a criminal offense.

Some states give misdemeanor citations- meaning no jail time or criminal record for a first offense- similar to a traffic violation. Others, including Nebraska and Maine, give civil citations. I assume that's the same ticket you would get if the neighbors complained that your terrier ate their begonias.

You can't really argue that marijuana possession is FORBIDDEN in all 50 states. Well, you could I guess. But then you'd be a hair-splitter, a semantics queen, or just really wrong.

Now the other part of the argument suggests that the NFL, being first and foremost a business entity, would never remove the restrictions on pot because sponsors would jump ship. Are you SURE? The NFL wages a constant battle to keep the young audience tuned in. If you don't believe me, check out the way the sport is covered these days. There's more loud rock music, more camera angles and quicker jump cuts between shots than there have ever been before. Why? Kids like it is why. It's the video game generation, folks. And guess what goes REALLY WELL with video games- LOTS OF POT.

It won't happen this year. But soon, very soon, the NFL will change the restriction on marijuana use. I really believe that.

Someone pointed to LaDainian Tomlinson, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Donovan McNabb as positive role models for the NFL while Ricky Williams is grouped into a cast of "fellow misfits" Hmmm... Williams is a misfit for smoking pot? Or is he just a misfit because it doesn't seem like he really wants to stop?

And we're POSITIVE Manning and Brady don't smoke pot? I don't know, they both seem pretty laid back to me.

As for Donovan McNabb, well, maybe that explains why he's always hungry for soup.

Corporate entities be damned! Pot is here to stay.

And the debate continues...

Technorati Tags: free picks, Barry Bonds, Gambling
comedy, baseball, steroids

Defending Troy Smith

2007-07-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

If you missed it, Troy Smith asked a question of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that some felt was inappropriate. In essence he asked whether Goodell planned to ever talk about the positive things the NFL does.

http://blogs.usatoday.com/sportsscope/2007/06/smith-wanted-an.html?loc=interstitialskip

On our show, THE MADWINNERS SPORTS AND GAMBLING PARTY, Al and I hold athletes accountable all the time. This includes Pac Man Jones, Michael Vick, Ricky Williams, Tank Johnson, Josh Hancock and maniac animals like Chris Benoit.

Benoit, in particular, has me seething. I don't want to hear about 'roid rage anymore. I refuse to pin blame on his doctor. More air-time and ink has been spent discussing this guy's "sad journey", his mental state and the "good" he did for that scam they call a sport than the the fact that he brutally murdered his wife and child. In other words why was O.J Simpson a cold-blooded murderer while Chris Benoit was "the final victim of a painful tragedy"?

(Sorry, the Benoit riff might be a bit off point but it's been bothering me for days.)

Troy Smith is a young kid coming into an NFL environment where zero tolerance is now the law. Look at Tank Johnson. He's been released by the Bears even though he blew UNDER the legal alcohol limit. Was that fair? Was it fair to circulate a story saying that Chris Henry had tested positive for drugs when that wasn't the case? Is it fair to ban Ricky Williams for life because he uses a drug that pretty much everyone I know also uses?

Is Goodell taking things too far? I don't believe he is. I think he's trying to reinstill a positive image but I understand Smith's question and I think it's a fair one.

You claim in your blog that athletes get arrested at a higher rate than other people. Are you sure? Using your figures (and I've not checked the accuracy of this) 50 or so players have been arrested since 2006. If you include active roster and practice squad, there are over 1500 players in the NFL during any given season. To keep the math easy, let's agree there are 50 arrests and 1500 players. That means only 3% of NFL players were arrested this past year. Are you positive that the arrest numbers for ALL males between the ages of 21-35 is any different? Have there been studies done?

Naturally, athletes are high profile targets and there's a perception, fair or unfair, that today's generation of athletes seem to have a sense of entitlement, as if the rules don't necessarily apply. However, for every Pac Man Jones there are 10 LaDainian Tomlinsons or Jonathan Ogdens. All Smith really asked is that people be reminded that the NFL is much more about the "United Way" than it is about the gangsta way.

Further, before we can really call out the entire NFL, we need to look at the crimes committed. Mostly it's been gun charges, drug charges, assaults (some proven, many unproven) and a lot of drunk driving.

You say this is above the norm for an occupation. I don't know much about the accounting industry or the computer industry so I'll stick to comedy.

I know comics who bring guns when they're on the road for protection. Are they carrying them legally? I have no clue. Personally I'm against guns period but they're out there. Assaults? Generally speaking, comics aren't fighters and most of them are more likely to get punched by their girlfriend than to do the punching. However, the comedy industry (and the entertainment industry as a whole) probably leads the country in drug arrests, drunk driving arrests and soliciting hookers.

Hell, I got a DUI once. I'm not proud of it. I'm smarter now. But it happened. I wonder how many of our listeners, or even the WNST staff, have had their brushes with the law.

Maybe Troy Smith will do something stupid, get arrested and prove that he's no different than a Pac Man Jones. Or maybe he won't. Maybe he's just a kid who wants to be treated as though being a part of the NFL is something he should be proud of. Maybe he doesn't want to feel like a criminal just for being drafted.

I LOVE when these guys screw up and get in trouble. It's good material. When they cross a line and do something that's so despicable there's no humor in it, I leave it alone (see Chris "the animal, child-killer murderer who I'm glad is dead" Benoit above). But I start with the belief that athletes are people first- no better and no worse. They deserve the same rights as the rest of us, including the right to ask a question. Troy Smith went to the NFL Rookie Symposium and asked a question. Let's leave it there.

Technorati Tags: free picks, Chone Figgins, Gambling
comedy, baseball, Fantasy Baseball

Fantasy Baseball Update- My Nightmare Obsession that IS Chone Figgins.

2007-06-18T10:07:00.001-07:00

I miss him every day. I miss his smile. I miss the way he moves as he steals another base. I'd do anything to have him back. Anything!

Okay, I know I need to get over him but it's just so hard. See, Figgins was one of the players I drafted in the Madwinners Fantasy Baseball League. I didn't know much about him at the time but I saw his Yahoo ranking, saw he had good numbers last season (particularly base stealing) and I decided to take a chance on him.

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Baby I'm still free. Take a chance on me."

Our relationship began on a sour note. Little did I realize that my new speed demon came with baggage- he started the season on the D.L. "Fine" I said to myself. He just needs a little time to heal and then I'll have him back for good. He'll steal bases and score runs. His major league team, the Los Angeles Angels, played him at several different positions so I could move him around when other players were off. He's worth the wait. And so I waited...

And waited...

And waited...

Until finally it was announced that Choney (my pet name for him) would be back in the starting lineup. My heart swelled as I fantasized about all that my sleeper pick would accomplish. Together we'd RULE THE LEAGUE!

Only Figgins wasn't ready for a relationship with me. He wouldn't hit. He wouldn't walk. He NEVER got on base. I waited for him to be the man I knew he could be but it just wasn't happening. Day after day after day he would go oh-fer. The only thing he stole were my dreams.

I wanted to remain loyal, but in the end I couldn't. On May 31st at 12:43pm I clicked my computer mouse one time and Figgins was gone. He was off my roster. I replaced him with Alex Gonzalez, a power hitting shortstop for Cincinnati who was red hot with 10 homeruns and 24 runs batted in, good numbers for a free agent. I couldn't resist. Although I wanted Figgins' speed it was the muscular Gonzalez who seemed as though he held the key to my happiness. And so I said good bye to Figgins.

All along though, I secretly had a plan.

Call it greed but I thought perhaps I could have the best of both worlds. Perhaps no one would see Chone on the waiver wire. After all he was hitting .133 at the time I released him and had stolen just 3 bases. I could wait three days for my man to clear waivers and then maybe, just maybe, he'd return to me with the fire that had been missing. I could play him at several positions and he would run for me, run like the wind stealing base after base. This was my plan.

That first night away from me, against the Baltimore Orioles, Chone went 3 for 4 with a run scored and 2 stolen bases. In one evening his batting average rose 27 points to .233. Still I was convinced he'd be forgotten by the rest of our league. But then on June 1st he was 3 for 3 with 2 runs scored and a ribbie. On the second of June he went 2 for 4 with 2 more ribbies, two more runs and another stolen base. I rushed to the waiver wire praying he'd still be there.

He was gone. Swept away by a team called Charlie's Devils. And Charlie IS the devil because he took someone who was very dear to me.

Nowadays, I check the newspapers every once in a while to see what Figgins is doing. He seems happy. He's so happy, he's now batting .258 with 14 stolen bases and 26 runs scored. Since I kicked him to the curb he's hitting .411. It's as if he's mocking me. As though he's saying to me "Marc, you thought you'd hurt me but you haven't. I'm in a better place now".

Meanwhile, my muscular shortstop from the Reds, Alex Gonzalez, has done very little. I've gotten 2 homers and 7 rbi's. Mostly he's on my bench now. Someone named Betancourt plays shortstop for my team The Bad News Gamblers. I think he's on the Mariners. I don't even know anymore. All I ever think about is Chone Figgins, the man I let get away.

Technorati Tags: free picks, Chone Figgins, Gambling
comedy, baseball, Fantasy Baseball

Paris Hilton Gets to Go Home? Are you Kidding?

2007-06-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

I know I'm supposed to write about sports and gambling. I'll get back to that eventually. I promise. But then there's Paris Hilton getting out of jail and how do I NOT write about that, so here:

Has anyone read this quote from Paris Hilton?

"I want to thank the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and staff of the Century Regional Detention Center for treating me fairly and professionally," she said. "I am going to serve the remaining 40 days of my sentence. I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes."

Yes Paris, we've all learned from your mistakes. We've learned that if we're a rich, whiny, anorexic, joy sucking vulture the rules don't necessarily apply. We've learned lots of things from you. For instance, we've learned you're a lousy lay and you're not that great at giving head either. In fact your blowjob skills are only slightly better than your acting skills. We've also learned that you have NO REAL SELF! We saw you saunter into a courtroom like you were on a catwalk. I expect to hear that Right Said Fred song every time you take a step. We see that look in your eye that says you have no idea who you actually are.

Paris Hilton is disturbed. Really disturbed. And there's a part of me that actually feels sorry for her. I don't think she's ever had a truthful moment in her life. Clearly her parents fucked her up big time. It's in her eyes. It's in her walk. It's in her artificial smile. I would even go as far to say that she's SO damaged, I might even want to date her. Because that's what I do. I save damaged women. I'm sure she'd ruin me in an hour but at least I'd walk away with some pretty expensive parting gifts. Okay, that ain't happening. But here's the thing...

I believe we're going to learn that Paris was released from prison for psychological reasons. I read one article that said she refused to eat. Um, maybe the guards aren't aware but she doesn't look like the type who spends much time at the buffet table to begin with. She probably wasn't eating because she didn't have her crystal meth weight neutralizer with her.

Now let's assume for a second that I'm right and she was given a "get out of jail free" card because of the psychological trauma. Folks, I've been locked up a couple of times. Four to be exact.

Once, when I was 14, I got locked up for a few hours because I was with some buddies who swiped this kid's candy bag one Halloween. Horrific, you say? The kid was my age and shouldn't have been walking around with a trick or treat bag to begin with. He should've been egging cars like the rest of us. Anyway, I got picked up because stupid me, the master criminal, decided to wear my bright yellow Reisterstown Eagles football jacket. Always the rebel, when I was shoved intot he back of the squad car, this idiot county cop who clearly enjoyed busting kids for stupid things, asked me why I didn't trick or treat like the rest of the kids. My response? "Because I didn't have a fucking mask!" I was priceless as a teenager.

Second arrest in Chicago. A buddy of mine and I were in a bar. My friend was called a nigger by some white trash idiot. My friend didn't like it and broke a bottle over the guy's head. The guy deserved it. When the cops came, I tried to play MARC UNGER- SUPER JEW CIVIL DEFENSE LAWYER and ended up in a cell with my buddy. True story- right before they put me in the lockup, the cop opened my wallet, saw that I had fifty bucks in there and said "you know it'll cost you fifty bucks to not go in that cell. I said "no deal". Chicago cops are known for that. No charges filed. Just a waste of time.

Third arrest was for standing on the sidewalk. True story. Leaving a bar in a strip club district in Baltimore with a buddy. He walks into this hot dog joint. I wait outside. Cop comes over and tells me to move along. I explain that I'm waiting for a buddy. He says I can't be there. I'm a bit confused because I was under the impression that sidewalks were legitimate places to stand. He didn't agree. I end up locked up for fourteen hours. The case was thrown out and, truly, I did nothing wrong.

Fourth time, DUI. Painful chapter. Stupid mistake. About ten hours in a cell. I was lucky because the police officer never showed up for the court date and I walked. But I did learn.

Here's the point. Paris Hilton was let out of jail due to psychological damage. Um, THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF JAIL! It's supposed to be damaging. See, it's a place you're never supposed to want to go to again. They had a chance to maybe reign this chick in and they failed. The lighting in jail is SO bad you'll never want to get in trouble for anything again. There's this electric hum that fills your ears and says "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM JAIL!" Oh, and the breakfast. Jail breakfasts consist of a carton of warm orange juice, something brownish white that might've once been an egg and one of those individual boxes of breakfast cereal. Might be Sugar Smacks. Or Raisin Bran.. I'm pretty sure the cereal is designed to remind you that once you were a child who watched cartoons but now you are a hungover loser in fucking jail cell!

She needed that experience. But she found a way out. And now she's sitting at home with an ankle bracelet that she's probably already fitted with diamonds and plans her next big party. Would you have gotten that treatment? Would I? No. And that's why I will never be anywhere near a jail cell again. Paris Hilton will. You can bet on it. Or worse. Keeping her in jail might've saved her life. Her next misstep could lead to a morgue. And there's no turning back from that.

Next blog will be about gambling. You have my word. But then again, there is that Charlie Sheen issue to cover...

Technorati Tags: free picks, Paris Hilton, Gambling
comedy, baseball, NBA

Divorce and the Game of Baseball

2007-06-06T07:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but, yesterday, I wrote this piece. Maybe it was the rain. I don't know exactly. Some of you may think this piece is too gloomy for a sports info website, or worse, maudlin. But if blogging is supposed to be about human experience and emotions and a living diary of who we are, I think this qualifies. I hope so.

I watch baseball games while drinking in bars a lot these days. Mostly it's bars in the restaurants that sponsor our show. But I don't do it just to be supportive. I do it because I need to watch sports with other people. I'm single again. And I have been for almost a year. Although sometimes it feels like it's just been two days. I was never divorced. Not in the legal sense. My ex and I were never married. We lived together- me and the Russian Assassin. I call her that now though there was a time when I had much sweeter pet names for her. Until she left one day for no real reason other than that she felt like it. She said we weren't "working out". That our "communication patterns" were too different. Trust me when I tell you, as soon as phrases like "communication patterns" enter the relationship, start packing.

Or the word "boundaries". Boundaries belong in sports, war and geology- not relationships.

But she's right. Our communication patterns were different. I spoke like a grownup and wanted to talk about things that might help make the relationship stronger when I sensed there was trouble. She spoke like a child, if at all, and avoided ANY conversation about anything of substance.

She left with very little warning. Or I chose to ignore those warnings.

I think that's more the case. But I had reason to ignore and to try to remain hopeful. We were raising her one and a half year old son together. I gave him his first room. I bought him many of his first toys. I bathed him sometimes. I fed him. I put on his diaper, his clothes and his pajamas. I made up stories for him at bedtime about flying motorcycles and a pair of little boy's socks that could talk. He called me "papa" sometimes or "my Marky". I was his father.

His real father was in Ukraine somewhere doing drugs and drinking. He didn't seem to have any interest in his young son at all. I did. I loved him no differently than had he been my own. But she took him. A few days before she left I bought a plastic batting tee for him. We never got to play with it together. I struggle with those memories every day.

I'm sure many of you have your own stories. You've been divorced. Or you're separated. You see your children on weekends or, as in the case of my father when Andrew and I were young, every other weekend. It's not easy. For me, I have no legal rights. She refuses to acknowledge the significance of our relationship or that she asked me to be the little boy's father, encouraged it. Because it's more convenient that way. She wants him to forget me. And so he's lost to me forever.

And so I drink and watch baseball in bars a lot now. Because, regardless of what Simon and Garfunkel say, the "sounds of silence" aren't an old friend, they're a reminder of utter loneliness. In the bars I go to people cheer when the Orioles score or Nick Markakis dives over the right field wall to take away a home run. And then we talk about the play. These people have become my friends. They ask me how I'm doing. I lie and say I'm fine.

Mostly I have half my brain on the ballgame while the other half still tries to figure out why she left- even though I know it's an exercise in futility. She left because that's what she does. Because she's done it before. It's a choice she makes again and again. Like when Melvin Mora chooses to try and score from third and is thrown out at the plate by eight feet or Perlozzo pulls a pitcher too early and the reliever blows the lead. The difference is those choices only affect one game. Her choices affected three lives.

So I sit in bars and watch baseball and wonder if he ever thinks of me. I hope he doesn't. I wouldn't want him to miss me. I'll do that for both of us.

I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to write about the therapeutic power of baseball. About how baseball, as a symbol of our youth, can transport us to happier times. But I'm too cynical for that right now. Although being around people who like baseball does help because...

Chris Ray just gave up a two-run walk off homer to Guerrero and so it's time to commiserate with my new friends, the ones who help keep the silence away.

Do you have any thoughts about this? Divorce stories you feel comfortable sharing? Baseball memories that helped you deal with the pain of loss? Strictly confidential if you prefer.. email me at marc@madwinners.com

MadGambler Exclusive- Dog Comes to Michael Vick's Defense

2007-06-02T11:16:00.001-07:00

Imagine my surprise this morning when I received a lengthy email purportedly from one of Michael Vick's dogs. Initially I assumed this was a prank or some cheap ploy on the part of the Vick camp to placate me. However, I've learned that, in fact, there is software available that allows a dog's thoughts to be translated into words. Perhaps there is something to this letter. I'll let the readers judge for themselves.

Dear Marc Brown,

This persecution has gone on long enough. It's time for me to step up and defend my owner- Michael Vick. I have NEVER been mistreated or abused in any way. Michael is all about belly scratches and frisbee throwing and would never subject me to the horrors of dog fighting. The only training I've received is when I was taught to sit, fetch and clean my master's Hookah pipe. He likes weird smelling tobacco ALOT. The only instance in which punishment was used was, on one occassion, when I was gently hit on the snout with a rolled up newspaper because I made "peepee" in Michael's shoe closet.

All of Michael's pets (I have 60 brothers and sisters) receive ample nourishment, plenty of water and Powerade and even the occasional milk bone. If we're really good (no, not at ripping out each other's throats but at the frisbee catching thing I mentioned above) we might receive a Snausage or a steak and lobster dinner from Ruth's Chris.

I will admit that some of Michael's relatives have been less than kind. When Michael is around he lets us watch whatever television program we want. However his "meanie" cousin Davon Boddie only watches what he wants to watch so that we're forced to sit through Court TV, Cops ( he said he knows a lot of the people on those shows) and reruns of ESPN's "Cold Pizza". Oh, and sometimes he forgets to brush out our fur.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding. Michael Vick is a true lover of pets. Also, he is highly underrated as a quarterback and any problems he's had with fumbles, interceptions or general inadequacy should be blamed on former coach Jim Mora and every other player besides Michael. He's the best!

Sincerely,

Ridley the Happy Dog

Technorati Tags: Ashley Judd, Michael Vick, Free Picks
Detroit Pistons, baseball, NBA

Top Five Reasons Michael Vick likes Dog Fighting plus Ashley Juddhead goes to Indy

2007-05-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick is going to be tied to the dog fighting ring in Virginia. There's no doubt in my mind. Too much circumstantial evidence is pointing in his direction and I think and I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/6852866

I have been all over this story and, finally, some apparent confirmation of Vick's participation in dog fighting has surfaced. As I said on our webcast, this atrocious activity is a felony in 47 states including Virginia. The dogs are trained to kill and, often times, die horrible deaths in the ring. This is NOT a small issue.

To me, and this is my opinion, the "culture" of dog fighting speaks to several larger issues. A lack of compassion for animals is only one step removed from a lack of compassion for human beings.

Do I eat veal? Yes. Do I hunt? No. Do I eat chicken and beef and pork? Yes.

With the possible exception of veal, animals are killed mercifully. In fact there are laws to protect the way animals are slaughtered for food. Any one, including Clinton Portis, who tries to tell me that "hey it's just a bunch of dogs" is missing the point entirely. I hope Vick IS involved. I do. I feel that, for too long, he's been given a free ride that lesser known athletes wouldn't enjoy. I also hope that, should Vick be found culpable, dog fighting gets the attention it deserves as a horribly vicious and tragic example of humankind's ability to hurt.

Now...

Here's the Top Five reasons Vick likes the dog fighting "culture"

5. Nobody at a dog fight hassles him about what might be in his thermos.

4. Playing "Madden" can get pretty boring.

3. He's better at raising dogs to kill each other than he is at reading a defense.

2. Training dogs to fight and winning money from it is WAY more fun than owning a couple of car dealerships.

1. It's no big deal to him because he considers himself "more of a cat person" anyway.

ASHLEY JUDD

Leave it to a Hollywood starlet to steal the thunder from her husband who's just won the "Indianapolis 500". Did you get a chance to watch the finish yesterday? The guy who won, some Scotsman whose name I'm too lazy to look up, earned the victory after his teammate, Marco Andretti, wiped out with about 30 laps to go in a heavy rain. The race ended under a yellow flag and "Scotty" was declared the winner. His wife, none other than Ashley Judd, stood in the rain- her summer dress clinging tightly to her soaked body and managed to steal whatever focus there was. She kicked off her shoes and ran through the driving rain towards her husband. It was truly romantic. Yeah, right. Prediction? Divorce in less than a year.

Technorati Tags: Ashley Judd, Michael Vick, Free Picks
Marco Andretti, baseball, NBA

Creationist Museum- Half of America is OUT OF THEIR MINDS!

2007-05-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

No sports today. Sorry. This needs to go up. Read it and then tell me if I'm nuts or THEY are.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070526/us_nm/usa_museum_dc

Read the above and then try not to laugh... or cry. The Creationist Museum is open for business! Man, that is some scary stuff. Apparently, in a recent Gallup poll, nearly 50% of Americans believe that humans didn't evolve but were created by the Big Man (no not Donald Trump) about 10,000 years ago. Now there's a museum where these highly enlightened folks can congregate and marvel at displays featuring, for instance, tigers, people and, yes folks, dinosaurs all living together on Noah's Ark. Because Noah really did build an ark. I never knew that. I always thought it was some Leonard Nimoy "In Search Of" invention but, nope, it must've happened because it's in a "creationism" museum.

Twenty seven million dollars was spent building this chamber of horrors and as many as half a million people are expected to come through each year. I'll go. I promise. I'm going in there with a t-shirt that says "God Hates You" or something. I'm going in there high as a kite and laughing my ass off. I'm going to be walking up to people making monkey sounds in their ear. That oughta piss them off. Wonder what they'll have in the gift shop? Little plastic Noah dolls and maybe a model of an evolutionary scientist being nailed to a cross.

THEY BELIEVE THAT GENESIS REALLY HAPPENED EXACTLY THAT WAY!!

Do you get it? Half the country believes it. Half! They believe that Moses talked to a bush and Jonah got eaten by a whale and all the other nonsense. I'm going to open my own museum it's going to be called "THE MUSEUM OF MORONS" and it's gonna be exhibits of idiots in polyester clothing and Walmart bought digital cameras taking pictures of that awesome scientific display of Sodom and Gomorrah being destroyed because some sluts lived there.

Hey, here's an idea. Let's all grab some costumes, dress up like early man and club every one to death who goes in there. We can play "Thus Spake Zarathustra" and it'll be just like that scene in 2001 A Space Odyssey.

I'm sick. I'm disgusted. Oh, and for all of you Republicans who might have even a slight hint of enlightenment somewhere in your soul...

3 out of 10 Republican presidential candidates also DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION!

How fucking scary is THAT?

Technorati Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Sports Betting, Jerry Falwell
Gambling, baseball, NBA

Dog Balls, Lohan's a dog and Ding, Dong Falwell is dead...

2007-05-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to take a day off from sports and look at some of the craziness that scrolls across my computer screen. Here's a few items from today.

Just read an article about this couple that had their dog neutered and then spent money on plastic replacement balls... Yes, you read right. PLASTIC FUCKING BALLS FOR THEIR DOG!! According to the article "Floyd slept through the whole thing and when he awoke he was still pretty boy Floyd." No SHIT! Except.. he had FAKE FUCKING BALLS!

His owner Rick said:

"He looks great and acts completely normal. The whole thing is really kind of silly, but we like having him look the way he should look."

In other words, Rick and his wife Debbie enjoy looking at their dog's testicles! They didn't do it for him, they did it for their own demented aesthetic pleasure.

This is sick. This is wrong... They cost up to $1,000. Let me say it right now. If there is one person on the planet who doesn't have food and you spend money even a dollar to buy your dog fake balls- kill yourself!! Right now! I'm serious.

Here's another excerpt from the article:

When Sara C---, of Baltimore, heard about Neuticles, she knew they were destined for her American bulldog, Pig.

Pig LOVED his testicles, she said. "He would flaunt them when he saw other dogs. I knew if I had him neutered, he'd know they were gone."

Excuse me? What did you just say? He'd KNOW? He's a fucking dog! Besides, if he's smart enough to know he has no balls, then he's smart enough to know you REPLACED THEM WITH PLASTIC ONES!! You think that's gonna make him happy? Having a couple of cue balls in his nut sack?

I never realized dogs were so neurotic about their genitalia. What's next? How about pet penis enlargement? Maybe Fido feels inadequate about his nanopecker and wants a big ole horse dick.. Hell, why not attach horse dicks to DOGS? Or maybe he's okay with the size but it's just not staying as hard and RED as it used to... Pet Viagra, anyone?

JERRY FALWELL IS DEAD...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/15/jerry.falwell/index.html?section=cnn_latest

I hope for his sake he's right about that whole "only people like me go to Heaven" thing because if he ends up in the same place everyone else does- you know with, like, gay people, Jews, blacks, pro-choice activists and scientists who believe in Darwin's theories (in other words, ACTUAL scientists), he's in for a HUGE ASS KICKING!

Here's one of his more interesting quotes concerning 9/11:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America," he said. "I point the finger in their face and say 'You helped this happen.' "

Bye, Bye Jerry... Couldn't be fucking happier you're dead!

TERRORIST DISNEYLAND

An expert on the Middle East said today that if U.S troops leave Iraq the country will become "a terrorist Disneyland". A spokesman for Six Flags immediately responded that they could build a much better terrorist theme park than Disney. And then Disney shareholders attacked- well you get the rest.

LINDSAY LOHAN IS MAXIM'S HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD

http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/news/ap/20070515/117924264000.html

Gee, I guess freckle-faced drug addicted sluts are "IN" now. Lindsay Lohan? Please. I've seen better looking girls at the bus station! Besides, every guy knows that the hottest woman in the world is the one you just broke up with, right?

Technorati Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Sports Betting, Jerry Falwell
Gambling, baseball, NBA

The Jerk

2007-05-14T16:05:00.001-07:00

Curt Schilling is a jerk.

I'd like to say it took me time to compose that sentence- that I stared at the ceiling for hours before writing...

Curt Schilling is a jerk.

But I didn't.

Sure I guess I could've been more erudite. I could've written...

Curt Schilling is a CAD.

Or perhaps more flippant.

Curt Schilling is a CLOWN.

But none of the other sentences capture him so succinctly.

Curt Schilling is a JERK.

Yesterday he made comments about Barry Bonds that are reprehensible. You probably know the story by now but, for those who have missed it, he was asked during a radio interview whether he thought fans should "hold their noses" while watching Bonds' pursuit of Aaron's home run record. According to one news website, this is how Schilling responded:

"Oh yeah. I would think so. I mean, he admitted that he used steroids," said Schilling, according to the Globe. "I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game, so I think the reaction around the league, the game, being what it is, in the case of what people think. Hank Aaron not being there. The commissioner [Bud Selig] trying to figure out where to be. It's sad..."

Later on in the interview he also claimed that Bonds admitted being responsible for the Kennedy assassination, the rising price of oil and the sudden extinction of the dinosaurs.

Actually, Schilling would never blame Bonds for the dinosaurs because I don't think he believes in dinosaurs. Schilling is a fundamentalist Christian. At least he is now. From what I understand, Schilling was once a party boy but anyway...

The fact that the man has his own website and thinks we're all really supposed to care what he thinks is repulsive to me. His teammates hate him. The media isn't exactly warmed by his arrogance. And now Barry Bonds and I both hate him even more.

I assume that, for Schilling, the apology was the proper "Christian thing to do". Maybe it even says so in the Bible. I wouldn't know since I haven't read any of it since- well, since ever. I do have a good friend who's a Methodist minister and he passed this quote my way:

"Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness" - Exodus 20 (you can read the rest of the Bible HERE) - thanks nestor

In other words - "liar, liar pants on fire!"

Apparently it's one of the Ten Commandments. I only know the ones about not killing people, being nice to your parents and something about leaving your neighbor's wife alone... or is it sheep? Well whatever... What I'm saying is, Schilling is a hypocrite. And boy do I HATE HYPOCRITES. He said what he said yesterday and he should've stuck with it but instead today he gave us:

"I'd love to tell you I was ambushed, misquoted, misinterpreted, something other than what it was, but I wasn't... I'm thinking that waking up at 8:30 am to do the weekly interview we do with WEEI is probably not the greatest format and if you heard the interview it's not hard to realize that I'm usually awake about 30-45 seconds before it begins."

You can read the rest of the drivel HERE:

Notice if you will the comment from Schilling fan, "Mudpuppy" who wrote:

"It takes a bigger man to admit mistakes. And a wise man to know that grace is an amazing thing."

So Schilling is the bigger man for admitting his mistakes? Maybe that works in Mudpuppy's world. But in mine, he's an arrogant, egotistical JERK. And that's the WORD.

Technorati Tags: Curt Schilling, Sports Betting, Free Picks
Gambling, baseball, NBA

McNair's Loving Brother in Law plus How Much is that Doggie in the Ring

2007-05-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a piece about Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron and the racism that seems to envelop the MLB home run record whenever someone gets close to breaking it but I keep getting sidetracked by all the crazy stories that keep coming down the pike. Speaking of pikes...

Steve McNair handed his brother in law the keys to his car and said "you drive."

MISTAKE!

The way I see it, McNair is the money man in the family so it was the obvious choice to let the brother in law drive. If he gets busted for the DUI, no big deal. McNair probably didn't know about Tennessee's owner law that made him guilty of a misdemeanor and just did what he thought was smarter. Of course, why were either of them driving? Drunk driving is VERY irresponsible. The brother in law should've known better. McNair CERTAINLY should've known better. TAKE A FREAKIN' CAB!!! I wrote about the pitcher Josh Hancock a few days ago. Maybe I'll send it off to McNair. Along with Hancock's death certificate.

MICHAEL. MICHAEL, MICHAEL

Two of Michael Vick's friends say he has an "affinity" for the dog
fighting culture.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2866012

First question...

who the hell would put "dog fighting" and "culture" in the same phrase? When I think of culture I think of art museums, book stores and the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. I don't consider watching starved and abused animals try to kill one another as a cultural event.

I mean what is the "dog fighting culture". Do they serve Cabernet at the fights? Is their Gruyere and crackers?

If Vick did know about this then he should be banned from the NFL. Possibly for life. Al thinks he should be shunned the way O.J Simpson is shunned. Many dogs were found in ghastly condition and I'm sure many more died either from injury or abuse.

Or if you don't want to ban him...

I suggest we take Michael Vick, lock him up in a small confined space for weeks, starve him, beat him until he's frothing mad and then throw him into a Mixed Martial Arts event only in this event we make it okay for the other guy to stick razor blades between his knuckles.

I wonder if Vick will have an affinity for that?

Technorati Tags: Barry Bonds, Sports Betting, Free Picks
Michael Vick, baseball, NBA

MADWINNERS "MY SPACE" PAGE IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS...

2007-05-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

Because that's what this whole MY SPACE thing really is, right? It's business. It's a place to market whatever it is we're selling... Okay, so we're handicappers and sports enthusiasts who happen to be funny and do a popular radio show and podcast. That's what we sell. But I mean the MY Space universe started out as a place for kids to congregate and trade really cool video game secrets or some bullshit, right? Now it's guys like me, 40 years old and praying that people I don't even know stop by to become my friend. Okay, I don't mind that. I could use some more friends. Especially now, post break up. The chick I was going to marry split because apparently BORDERLINE FUCKING PERSONALITY DISORDER IS REAL!

But okay, so back to "MY SPACE". If you really want to be our Madwinners friend, here are a few ground rules and statements.

1) Please don't co-opt our email address so that you can forward us your co-worker's list of "TOP TEN BREAKFAST CEREALS" or that really funny joke about "sand-niggers".

2) If you're a big-titted chick shilling for a porn site, or some really cool "MY SPACE" add-on I have no intention of ever using, feel free to send your pictures- but they better be hot. Something I've never seen before... And I've SEEN IT ALL!

3) Don't send me a personalized invitation to some event when, in fact, I don't know you, you don't me and I'm merely being spammed by some software robot thing. I'll see through it and as my ego has been bruised by the fact that BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER REALLY FUCKING EXISTS, I'll feel hurt and sad.

4) NEVER BE AFRAID TO COMMENT on anything I write at the site. That's what MY SPACE is for. But be prepared for what I write in response.

5) If you are an ex-girlfriend, it was YOUR FAULT!

6) If you're someone I owe money to... I'm sorry and I'll get it to you, I promise.

7) If you invite me to check out your page, make sure it's not loaded with more CGI than Revenge of the Sith because my computer is slow so I'll never be able to load your whole thing and I'll get frustrated and want to delete my account.

8) If I ever do something that isn't in keeping with "MY SPACE" etiquette please remember it's because I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT "MY SPACE" ETIQUETTE IS!

9) If you're in a band I've never heard of, the odds that I really want to hear your CD are slim. Unless you're a chick.

10) All of the above is amenable based on my mood at the time. I'll try to post one of those fifty bazillion emoticon things or whatever the fuck they are to let you know how I'm doing.

BTW, I think Scientology uses those Emoticon things in their training seminars. You don't have to tell anybody how you're feeling about anything!! Just flash the little sad face, or happy face, or the "gee, how come I didn't cast in the Tom Cruise movie because I'm a fifth level VORGON just like he is" face.

Oh... And dO you remember when "MY SPACE" was the place you went when YOU WANTED TO BE ALONE?

Technorati Tags: myspace, Sports Betting, Free Picks
Gambling, baseball, NBA

The Way of the Warriors and When Will Athletes Learn?

2007-05-06T11:15:00.001-07:00

Golden State did what? Huh? I didn't realize they were even still in the league. I thought they became the L.A Clippers or something. Does Chris Mullen still play for them? What about that ex-Terp Joe Smith? Is he still over there?

Baron Davis and a bunch of other guys I've barely heard of (okay, I'm a handicapper but for the sake of the riff just go with me) pulled off one of the greatest upsets in NBA history last night. Their defense shut down Dallas like they were an illegal poker game. They made superstar Dirk Nowitzki look like Dirk Diggler- not a bad thing if you're in the adult entertainment industry. However if you play pro basketball for a living and you're supposed to be the team leader (not to mention a "lock" for league MVP) it's not so good. I'm pretty sure an MVP is expected to score more than eight points in a must win game.
I mean the guy only made four more baskets than I did and I was at a bar drinking the whole night.

What happened, you ask? Don Nelson happened. The Mavs ran into a team of misfits, castaways and spare parts coached by the same man who created these Mavericks, particularly Nowitzki, in the first place. Don Nelson knows Nowitzki better than anyone in the league and he knew exactly how to keep him contained. Also Avery Johnson was horribly outcoached. You could see the matchup difficulties in game one yet Johnson never made any adjustments. Or perhaps he didn't have the tools. Either way Golden State moves on and Mark Cuban, the loudest man to never win a championship, has plenty of time to work on that Chicago Cubs purchase.

KENTUCKY DERBY

I've never been to Churchill Downs but they say it's one of those events that everyone should try to get to at least once in their life. Who knows? Maybe it's horrible. Maybe it's boring. Maybe it's just a bunch of rich people wearing silly hats, getting wrecked on mint juleps and vomiting all over their designer clothing.

JOSH HANCOCK WAS INTOXICATED

I just don't get it. I'll never understand why professional athletes, get behind the wheel when they're drunk and/or high. These guys make a fortune. Even a relief pitcher like Hancock was making over a million a year. Get a cab! Hire a limo! But DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE!

St Louis Cardinals relief pitcher Josh Hancock died last week when his SUV rammed into the back of a flat bed tow truck. Today it was announced that he had a blood alcohol level of 0.157. Folks, that's loaded. Believe me. I speak from experience.

About nine years ago I made the mistake of leaving a restaurant after several too many shots of tequila and got arrested for DUI. I deserved it. What I did was wrong and stupid. My blood alcohol level was the same as Hancock's and I can tell you I was plastered. He's a bigger guy than me but I'm sure he was in no condition to drive.

In this instance, the only victim was himself. For the safety of the players and the fans who pay to see them, I suggest all leagues get MUCH TOUGHER on drunk driving. There simply is no excuse for guys getting behind the wheel. Is it ego? Probably. We all know the old "hey, I can handle my liquor" excuse that drunks use. I've used it. So have many of you. It ain't worth it. And now a guy is dead.

Sorry to end on that sad note but sometimes it ain't all sports and haha's.

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